Filed under: Thursday Thirteen
Thirteen quotes from Erma Bombeck that I can relate to…
1. My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car.
2. Most children’s first words are “Mama” or “Daddy.” Mine were, “Do I have to use my own money?”
3. I remember buying a set of black plastic dishes once, after I saw an ad on television where they actually put a blowtorch to them and they emerged unscathed. Exactly one week after I bought them, one of the kids brought a dinner plate to me with a large crack in it. When I asked what happened to it, he said it hit a tree. I don’t want to talk about it.
4. My theory on housework is, if the item doesn’t multiply, smell, catch on fire or block the refrigerator door, let it be. No one cares. Why should you?
5. Before you try to keep up with the Joneses, be sure they’re not trying to keep up with you.
6. Have you any idea how many children it takes to turn off one light in the kitchen? Three. It takes one to say, “What light?” and two more to say, “I didn’t turn it on.”
7. Everyone is guilty at one time or another of throwing out questions that beg to be ignored, but mothers seem to have a market on the supply. “Do you want a spanking or do you want to go to bed?” Don’t you want to save some of the pizza for your brother?” Wasn’t there any change?”
8. Being a child at home alone in the summer is a high-risk occupation. If you call your mother at work thirteen times an hour, she can hurt you.
9. Every day of his or her life a child is plotting an event that will age you 20 years in 20 seconds.
10. I have a theory about the human mind. A brain is a lot like a computer. It will only take so many facts, and then it will go into overload and blow up.
11. Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.
12. Housework, if you do it right, will kill you.
13. Education is so important when it comes to domesticity. I don’t know why no one ever thought to paste a label on the toilet tissue spindle giving 1-2-3 directions for replacing the tissue on it. Then everyone in the house would know what Mama knows.
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